Falling behind

I wrote the title for this post on 1/7/13.  I am finally going to just sit down and write.  I have really debating sharing this, because of many reasons.  I have this blog in the hopes that one day I will print all of the posts off and my children and family can look back.  Maybe laugh and cry but hopefully learn somethings and just enjoy reading the books. And if I can help my girls in anyway I would do it.  I have also debated making this a private or public post, but it has been on my mind a long time and I have just felt I needed to share.

In October, my feelings were hurt.  Nothing terrible was said just a response to a question in not the kindest answer.  Any other time I would probably have just shrugged it off.  But I couldn't. (Ruby was 4 months old and was just a joy!  I truly loved her.  Everything about her was wonderful.  She made the horrible pregnancy worth it...but not enough that I am doing it again.) My feelings were hurt.  On our drive home I told Rod of my feelings, but he did see or understand what was happening inside me.  Neither did I at that point.  I was so mad at Rod that he didn't seem to care.  I thought about it all night and the next morning when he left for work.  I lost it.  I didn't let him know how much him leaving was all of the sudden going to hurt inside.  I went to my room and just cried and cried and cried.  I called my mom at work and told her I was so sorry to be calling, but I was just so sad.  She called Jeni and Jeni came over.  Jeni and I sat and talked and then things started to come to my mind about the last 4 months.

I was rarely if ever getting out of my bed during the day.  I was never opening my windows.  I was feeding my children but I didn't care what they ate...and if you know me that is not the norm.  I got them something to eat and off to my bed again.  Ruby and I would just lay, nurse, lay and nurse all day.  I knew my children were needing me, but they enjoyed all the TV too.

Jeni finally asked me the question...Had I thought about hurting myself.  It was a weird feeling because all of the sudden it flashed to my mind.  Over the past few weeks I had a couple times thought of crashing my car.  And after driving my an accident wishing I was in that.  I NEEDED SOME HELP!  I finally called Rod and my dr.

I don't share this story for anyone to feel sorry for me.  I share this because it is so real.  I was so ashamed and guilty of the feelings I was having.  And after many months I have come to realize that I shouldn't be ashamed.  Even though it can be hard not too.  I want my girls to know that they should never be ashamed or feel guilty.  These feelings are horrible and it hurts but you can get help.  Most importantly turn to your Heavenly Father.  He will bless you and bless your family.  I am not always the best at this, but I do know he is there to help us and he will.  We just need to ask for help and guidance.